⚠️ This is an opinion post that references violence from the outset and alludes to suicide; if you are based in the UK, the Samaritans are available 24/7 on 116 123. If you’re affected by the topics mentioned here, this list of links may be useful.

---

For a while now, there has been some discussion about the term “toxic” masculinity and particularly some disagreement about whether it should be used. Nevertheless, it’s important to have a conversation about restrictive ideas of what it means to “be a man”.

An example of toxic masculinity is that there are those who assert that “men aren’t allowed to express their emotions” for fear of being seen as “weak” or “soft”. Except, of course, some have no problem expressing anger, for example, including in violent ways. The Men Are from Mars, Women Are From Venus narrative has us convinced that men have a limited range of emotions and ways to express their feelings or “needs”.

If you’ve ever seen – or been – a man at a football match, you’ll also know he has no trouble expressing how he feels, in a range of ways, from feeling joy through to disappointment, openly crying at times when a team win or lose.

It is true to say, though, that he may have been socialised from an early age not to talk about certain feelings (like love), especially if few spaces allow him to express them safely without ridicule among his fellow peers – this, in turn, harms men. Just as women’s emotions are policed and suppressed through sexism and misogyny, when they are told to withhold their anger, for fear of being called “too emotional”.

The way men are policed for feeling “soft” emotions feels toxic, hence why its a version of masculinity it feels important to talk about: the (false) idea that expressing certain emotions, like love, or prioritising meaningful connection, makes a man look “weak”. 

Narrow ideas of masculinity are also sexist; they can keep also men away from jobs that are seen as “feminine” when men are just as capable of doing those roles. It also (wrongly) asserts that only men can do certain jobs, because of how “strong” they are and shouldn’t be “caring”. But even in military roles, caring is a pre-requisite, and many military and policing personnel describe their colleagues as “family”.

It’s aligned with militarist* narratives that endorse that sexism; that men are simply as “protectors” and “warriors”, and positions violence as not only “natural” but even “honourable”.  A common sexist, militarist joke, is “What’s the difference between women and toast? You can make soldiers out of toast”.

*Militarism is a term that helps explain narrow definitions of “protection” and “security”; it is not anti-military.

Performative Manhood

Men also have a tendency to try and “impress” other men – even at the expense of intimate relationships with women.

One example is how men can – and do – talk about how many women they’ve had (or want to have) sex with. A common piece of “dating advice” among men is apparently “to get over a woman, you have to get under one”. This tells men “don’t feel sad, use women to “feel better” as if she’s an object – but more than that it’s a performance for other men, which prioritises status over connection, and prevents them from showing up authentically with the people they say they care about.

Sadly some “manfluencers” work very hard to convince men that they are the “real” victims as if no one really cares about them – a common trope in the man0sphere. Men are told their existence is in “crisis”, even though women have the worst mental health – not because of feminism (another man0sphere trope), but more likely as a result of being oppressed and harmed, predominantly by men.

Nevertheless, for all that these narrow definitions of masculinity also ultimately harm men, it does help them obtain more power and control. It promotes dominance, greed, status through hierarchy, power and even superiority; the more dominant he can become, the more powerful he can be. It’s a mindset rooted in harmful ideology of male supremacy, enforced by behaviours and mindsets like misogyny. He learns he can get what he wants and feels entitled to it. 

Until that is, he ages out of the ability to do those things (or people around him walk away from that narrow mindset), and becomes lonely as a result of his choices. This is what’s become known as “Man Box Culture”.

This harmful ideology can also show up in toxic behaviours – like misogyny – where some men feel entitled to abuse women, especially if they see women as “less than”. Beliefs of supremacy over women can intersect with other acts of harm like racism, and hostility against the LGBT+ community, often rooted in false assertions about what it means to be “a real man” or “a real woman”.

Defining misogyny

Misogyny is the vehicle that helps to “justify” male violence towards women. It is a choice of behaviour rooted in the flawed ideology of male supremacy: specifically, a false sense of superiority and entitlement to objectify, subjugate, oppress and possess women. 

It can be seen in the mindset of men (and others) who engage in (and is not limited to) belittling, shaming, coercive and dominating behaviours towards women (including shutting down conversations about misogyny), as well as using violence in all its forms.

Men who display misogyny can be motivated by greed and status, and choose power and control over meaningful learning, care and connection.

Misogyny is not a mental illness.

The narrative that women are “hysterical” and “too sensitive” (a tale as old as time) sits within this definition, because it seeks to oppress women (and anyone else who expresses how they feel) and pressure them into silence. 

It can also show up as internalised misogyny, where women tell others to “lean in” to dominant ways of being (eg, at work), comply with oppressive culture and become “one of the lads”. Or just be “a good girl” and keep quiet. 

Unpacking the Man Box

Men’s “friendships” can be conditional on them acting “man enough”. But men are not helpless to create a new social circle – and many do – which allows him to be authentic with others, or to assert what behaviours he finds acceptable – or not.

But here’s where it gets worrying: some men choose to stay in The Man Box, (even if they don’t know that’s what it’s called). He keeps a false sense of entitlement that women “should” meet his “needs”, as housekeeper, therapist and for sex. For the men who support the false belief that men are superior, they may even “justify” violence to get their own way. The more power they have, and the more they enjoy it, the more they benefit; the more they benefit the more they will choose to dominate and so it goes on.

Chuck Derry’s work highlighted this: that men who choose violence do so because it’s functional – it gets them what they want. Until, that is, as Mark Greene’s video highlights above, a man ages out of the ability to “perform” (or people around him walk away from his narrow mindset), and he becomes lonely as a result of his choices. 

Deeyah Khan discussed the reasons men are abusive in her documentary about domestic abuse. As you’ll see, several describe it was from a belief system where they felt they had the right to control and force compliance from women, with one man, when asked “Why did you do it?”, he simply replies “because I could”.

A male supremacy mindset helps to endorse false stereotypes that women are “hysterical” or “too sensitive”, while at the same time “unintelligent” and “irrational”. It says women shouldn’t be in a board room because (in male supremacist terms) she’s “too thick” on the one hand, but so manipulating (“she cries to get her own way”) and cunning that women should never be trusted.

But it hurts men too. Narrow versions of masculinity keep him confined to small ideas what it means to “be a man”, where he may shape his identity to “protect and provide”, which can then lead to depression if he feels his failing, and he may even turn that violence towards himself.

All of this, is what I call the “paradox of patriarchy’. And it hurts everyone.

The idea that men should be one thing and women another ignores our differences and the gifts and skills we all bring to the world, regardless of our gender.

There is another way

What if we challenged all of this? 

Here’s some food for thought:

💡What if we allowed people to feel a range of emotion, and encourage them to do the work in developing skills to regulate and express them healthily? 

💡What if we asserted that men and boys are not in fact entitled to dominate, and that everyone is allowed to exist safely in the world? 

💡 What if we asserted that no one has the “right” to hurt anyone, especially not because they see themselves as simply “better” than someone else?

💡 And what if we expanded the idea that there is only one “right” way to be a man; that there are a range of masculinities (see the work of R.W. Connell and Cynthia Enloe) but there is definitely a wrong way, and that’s abusive in any form?

That sounds like a peaceful world we could all live in. Who wouldn’t want that?

---

 © Delphi Ellis All rights reserved. This is an opinion post which may have featured on other websites. For full terms and conditions of accessing this content, please read these policies.