⚠️ Content Warning: this article references male perpetrated violence, including domestic abuse, sexual violence, harassment and femicide. If you are affected by any of the topics covered in this piece you may find these links helpful. This article also alludes to suicide; if you are based in the UK, the Samaritans are available 24/7 on 116 123.

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For a while now, there has been some discussion about “toxic” masculinity and, particularly, some disagreement about the term itself.

Nevertheless, it’s important to have a conversation about restrictive ideas of what it means to “be a man”, and what can keep men trapped in what Paul Kivel referred to as “The Man Box”.

In this context, the term “narrow masculinities” can reflect the restrictive ideas that hold men within a system, called patriarchy, that harms us all, men included.

Ways these narrow ideas show up in everyday life include sexism – men are discouraged (usually for fear of ridicule by other men) from doing jobs that are traditionally (and wrongly) seen as “feminine” like care work, nursing and midwifery, which men are just as capable of doing. It also (falsely) asserts that men can only do certain jobs that they argue require “strength, courage and intelligence” – as if women don’t have those traits (of course, they do). A common sexist joke, is “What’s the difference between women and toast? You can make soldiers out of toast”.

This harmful ideology can also show up in toxic behaviours – like misogyny – where some men feel entitled to abuse women, especially if they see women as “less than”. Beliefs of supremacy over women can intersect with other acts of harm like racism, and hostility against the LGBT+ community, often rooted in false assertions about what it means to be “a real man” or “a real woman”.

Policing Emotions

Narrow masculinity can also appear in rhetoric that proclaims that “men can’t express their emotions” while simultaneously endorsing the notion that “women are too emotional” – the Men Are from Mars, Women Are From Venus concept – neither of which is actually true, nor helpful to men and boys (or anyone else).

If you’ve ever seen men at a football match, you’ll know they have no trouble communicating how they feel. But some may have been socialised, from an early age, not to talk about certain feelings – the ones he’s been told make him look “soft” or “less of a man” if he shows them: phrases like “Big boys don’t cry” set this unhealthy standard. So it’s not that he can’t express his emotions, but he may feel there aren’t enough safe spaces to discuss his feelings, particularly among other men. This is just one example of how men police other men.

Men also have a tendency to try and “impress” other men – even at the expense of intimate relationships with women, One example is how men can – and do – talk about how many women they’ve had (or want to have) sex with. A common piece of “dating advice” among men is apparently “to get over a woman, you have to get under one”. This tells men “don’t feel sad, use women to “feel better”, but more than that it’s performing for other men, and prioritises status over connection.

So a narrow definition of masculinity includes the (false) idea that expressing certain emotions, like sadness, makes a man look “weak”. This is how society, but particularly other men, can police emotions – in the same way as women are discouraged from feeling anger – that encourages people to stay silent. This can have real life consequences, especially if men turn to violence, including towards themselves. These narratives require men to “perform” for other men, rather than show up authentically with the people they say they care about.

The power of love or the love of power?

So if men are trapped, surely they can just leave The Man Box, right? They’re not helpless to walk away.

Sadly some “manfluencers” work very hard to convince men that they are the “real” victims as if no one really cares about them – a common trope in the man0sphere. Men are told their existence is in “crisis”, even though women have the worst mental health – not because of feminism (another man0sphere trope), but more likely as a result of being oppressed and harmed, predominantly by men.

Men’s “friendships” may also be conditional on them acting “man enough”. But men are not helpless to create a new friendship circle which allows him to be authentic with others, or to assert what behaviours he finds acceptable – or not.

But here’s where it gets worrying: some men may stay in The Man Box, from a false sense of entitlement that women “should” meet their “needs”, as housekeeper, therapist and for sex. For those who support the false belief that men are superior, they may even “justify” violence to get their own way. The more power they have, and the more they love that power, the more they benefit from it; the more they will choose to dominate. 

Chuck Derry’s work highlighted this: that men who choose violence do so because it’s functional – it gets them what they want. Until, that is, as Mark Greene’s video highlights above, a man ages out of the ability to “perform” (or people around him walk away from that narrow mindset), and he becomes lonely as a result of his choices. 

Deeyah Khan discussed the reasons men are abusive in her documentary about domestic abuse. As you’ll see, several describe it was from a belief system that they had the right to control and force compliance from women, with one man, when asked “Why did you do it?”, he simply replies “because I could”.

Narrow masculinities endorse false stereotypes that women are “hysterical” or “too sensitive” – again, a way of policing emotions and silencing; this creates the “paradox of patriarchy” that asserts, on the one hand, women are so unintelligent and “irrational” that they can’t be in a board room, but so manipulating and clever that women should never be trusted. The idea that men should be one thing and women another ignores our differences and the gifts and skills we all bring to the world, regardless of our gender.

Sadly, even women display these narrow ideas of masculinity when they say we should “lean in” to dominant ways of being (eg, at work), or comply with oppressive culture and become “one of the lads”. Or just be “a good girl” and be quiet. 

Here’s some food for thought:

💡What if we allowed people to feel a range of emotion, and encourage them to do the work in developing skills to regulate and express them healthily? 

💡What if we asserted that men and boys are not in fact entitled to dominate, and that everyone is allowed to exist safely in the world? 

💡 What if we asserted that no one has the “right” to hurt anyone, especially not because they see themselves as simply “better” than someone else?

That sounds like a peaceful world we could all live in. Who wouldn’t want that?

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Find this conversation heavy? It can be. Make sure you look after yourself while navigating these difficult times.

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