Soul Survival Kit: Infidelity

Infidelity. That ultimate kick in the gut (or stab in the back) by the one person you probably thought – or certainly hoped – would never hurt you and who you thought was your Soul Mate. Your partner cheats on you. Heartbreak central.

Now forgive me if what I’m about to say seems a ridiculous concept at that metaphorically cataclysmic moment but bear with me.

Even after this sucker punch, that heart stopping, stomach wrenching, sick inducing moment when you catch them out, this is actually the opportunity for it to be your finest hour if not your finest chapter. Let me explain.

The key to healing heartbreak after infidelity is empowerment.

Am I talking about revenge? No. But it’s worth exploring this for a moment.

Someone recently told me a story about a man who violently beat another having found out his wife had cheated with him. When asked if he felt better for doing this, his reply immediately and very clearly was “no”. Despite venting his anger, his rage was unfulfilled by pushing his negative energy into negative action. What did he have to show for it? Sore knuckles and probably now a criminal record.

You may consider the less violent but still vengeful approach. I once, many many years ago, “accidentally” dropped a cheating boyfriend’s toothbrush down the toilet and put it back in the holder for him to use one more time before I kicked him out. Funny? Abso-cheating-lutely. Soul Satisfying? Not in the least. Any satisfaction I did have was short-lived when the maniacal laughter wore off and I faced the fact that I was on my own having faced the ultimate betrayal.

So what can you do?

Here are my top sparkle tips to consider adding to your Soul Survival Kit to help you – man or woman – remain empowered with your head held high immediately following a partner’s infidelity.

Create space
Whether its spending time on your own, or with a friend or a family member it can be helpful to take some time out. You may be keen to resolve the matter quickly especially if your partner is deeply remorseful for what’s happened; but things may be said – or done – in the heat of the moment which can’t be undone and will definitely be regretted later.

It’s natural for you to both want things back to normal (or at least peaceful) after the initial explosion of events but it’s better to be measured during discussions than volatile. Having time out to clear your heads can be helpful for both of you in determining what you really want – and need – in the long term.

Step Back
In the middle of the night (or even during the day) you may get this overwhelming urge to send a text message, email, make a phone call or even a personal visit to the person whose caused your hurt for any number of reasons.

Take a step back and ask yourself “What will this achieve for me long term?”. Although you may feel justified in whatever you are about to do or say in this moment, it may not have any long term benefit for your mental and physical health and spiritual wellbeing. If in doubt, check it out with a good friend – who will be honest with you – first.

Resist the urge to ruminate (over think) or exact revenge especially if it’s going to cause you more problems overall.

Face facts
You can’t change what’s happened any more than you can change the person who has cheated. They will have their reasons, some of which they may say are about you. You didn’t force them to be unfaithful and even difficult conversations with a partner who is considering infidelity are preferable to them telling you – or you finding out – they actually were. Pretending it didn’t happen or pointing fingers of blame once it has happened wont help anyone in the long run.

If legal matters become an overnight issue have a chat with the local Citizens Advice Bureau about your rights; they have a wealth of information online and in person which can help. Organisations like Relate can also be useful in helping couples face facts about problems they’ve experienced.

Review your attachments
Sometimes it’s not even the fact of infidelity that frightens you most but the possibility you may lose your identity after a break up; that and how others will perceive you if you take back a cheating ex.

You are not the labels you give yourself – including girlfriend/boyfriend, partner, wife or husband. You are a unique individual with a Soul Purpose which is waiting to be explored. Having people around you who will love and support you on that journey no matter what will help you achieve your higher destiny.

When you have an expectation of someone – even to be faithful – you have the potential to be disappointed and get hurt. Allow people to be who they are whilst remembering that’s not who you are and you have the freedom to choose who you spend your time with.

Empower yourself
All of the above are designed to help you take positive action and ultimately maintain your dignity and self respect – your sparkle – during what will undoubtably be a difficult chapter in your life. However, you don’t have to launch in to large gestures of empowerment. Getting up, washing your face and getting dressed should all be seen as accomplishments following any sort of heartbreak including loss and bereavement.

Be kind to yourself, take long walks, warm baths and listen to empowering music. Smile when you can and cry when you need. The law of attraction states that you must receive back the energy you emit – so above all Sparkle and the world will sparkle with you.

Dreaming your partner cheats?  Take a look here.

If how you are worried about yourself or someone in crisis visit your doctor, the Samaritans or NHS Direct on 0845 46 47 (UK) for help.

The information provided through these pages and services provided is open to individual interpretation, may only be of entertainment value and is not intended to replace the advice of your healthcare team. Please speak to your doctor before deciding upon any form of action which may affect your health or if you have any concerns about your health and wellbeing.

© Delphi Ellis 2004 – 2012 All rights reserved.

Published by Delphi Ellis

Therapeutic Counsellor, Well-being Trainer and Mindfulness Practitioner working with grief and mental health. Explores dreams on telly. Avid tea drinker. © Delphi Ellis - Helping You Sparkle™ 2006 - 21

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